How we discipline our children remains a contentious issue. In previous times it was perfectly acceptable and well regarded to physically punish children for inappropriate or naughty behaviour. However today smacking a child in public is seriously controversial and if considered outside the realms of "reasonable chastisement" could entail up to a five year prison sentence.
William has recently turned two and as predictable as ever he's reached the age where he seems to be putting our authority to the test and tries to challenge us at every given opportunity. This has led my husband and I to seriously consider how we are going to work our way through the terrible twos and beyond. We opted to use the naughty cushion as our method of discipline, combined with positive reinforcement for good behaviour and have done so since William was about one. When used consistently with a calm, firm manner it seems to work but there are times it doesn't. This may be due to inappropriate or over use or it could be there are other more effective ways we do not not know about and have therefore not considered. Everyone seems to have their own way, either based on their own childhood experiences or beliefs they have mustered along the way.
But what's the right way and what happens when you strongly disagree with the methods of fellow parents? One of my closest friends and I have always had very different ideas on how we would bring up our children and accepted we would do things differently, without criticism or judgement. Of course our major difference is how we choose to discipline our children. It's simple, I don't believe in smacking, she does. To date it's not been an issue as our children are two years and seven months but as they get older our polar opposite views and the practicalities of enforcing are individual methods may become more of a challenge.
I do not want my children to witness her children being smacked as I believe it conveys a message that its acceptable to hit people if you do not think they are behaving appropriately. I also couldn't watch her smacking her children as I think it would make me angry. I'm no earth mother and do not believe in a nanny state but in my opinion when a child has behaved in a way you feel you feel warrants smacking, at the time you need to act i.e. immediately at the time of the offence, you are likely to be angry so you may hit them harder than intended. Aside from that, even the thought of a full grown adult hitting a defenceless child makes me seethe and goes against everything I believe in. I can't help but feel the parent has in some way failed to provide their child with the necessary boundaries and discipline in the first place, so resorts to hitting them in a last vain attempt to rein back some control. Very strong I know, but like I say just my opinion.
So what you think? Am I being naive as I've yet to reach the really difficult ages where only smacking works or like my current opinion, do you think children should never be smacked by way of punishment? I would love to hear your opinions and the methods you use. The next few months in the the Le-bon Olive household are going to be very challenging with William at a difficult developmental stage and our new baby imminently on the way, so I look forward to hearing what you have to say.
Wish me luck
Donna.................x
I completely agree with you. I don't ever think that hitting a child is the right thing to do and will never ever hit Iyla. All it does is teach them that it's okay to hit, they will then start doing it to other kids. After all a child doesn't know the difference between controlled smacking or just being walloped. It makes me so angry when I see kids being smacked. Iyla is only 11 months so maybe I haven't reached the point where I am tested to my limits yet but I know that I will never change my opinion on the subject x
ReplyDeleteI don't like smacking. We prefer not to use it. Emily respond's well to other methods such as the naughty step, or removal of treats like watching tv, and Matthew is too little for any kind of "discipline" other than firm "no's" if he's doing something naughty, and redirection and distraction.
ReplyDeleteWe have smacked. Twice, once when Em was about 2, she was walking with me, she let go of my hand, and ran away from me, and headed towards a road. I called her, and she laughed, ignored me and went to the edge of the road, I went to grab her, saying "no, don't go in the road" and she laughed again, and stepped on the road. It was a very quiet road, thankfully, but I was cross, and I did give her one smack on her bottom (with a nappy on) and a very stern "we don't not walk out into the road". I think I was more upset about the whole thing than she was. The other time, we were in the Science Museum, and she decided to have a full on, screaming, kicking tantrum right next to the Space/astronaut area, and I was very pregnant, and couldn't pick her up to move her easily, and she was right in the middle of the walkway. I'm afraid she got one smack on her bottom, because she was kicking me, biting me and I just couldn't deal. She stopped tantruming, but again, I was more upset afterwards that I hadn't handled her properly and resorted to it. There was an elderly couple near us, who came over, and the lady was very sweet and brought us a drink, and patted me on the back, and told me "I'd have done the same dear, sometimes you just can't deal with them", and I felt a little bit better. I just don't feel that hitting a child gets any message across, other than hitting is ok. I've seen people smack their children for hitting another child. That makes no sense to me. I was smacked as a child, and actually went to boarding school in Scotland when corporal punishment was still in force, so was given the gym shoe several times (I was pretty naughty) and I seem to have survived, with little damage, but I still don't like smacking and am ashamed that I have used it when all else has failed. I've had conversations with people who do smack, who do the whole "wait til their calm, then smack" thing, and to me, that just seems bizarre, to calmly hit your child, even more so than one instant, reacting in anger, as it happened swift swipe on the bum when a child has run into the road, or done something defiant or disobedient. I've always found that if Em needs dealing with, removal from the situation, and a "time out" on her own is effective, and do-able in most places. I've taken her out of restaurants, playgroups etc to have some "time out", and 99% of the time it's worked.
I've heard that a large percentage of parents think corporal punishment should be allowed in schools again, I recoil in horror at that, remembering my own school days, and we'll be home-schooling if that happens.
I've actually just broke off a friendship with a very good friend after we both disagreed on our discipline approaches. I don't believe in smacking my children as I feel it shows lack of control on the parents' part however having been smacked myself growing up, it never did me any harm. I feel there are better approaches to discipling your children - you just have to be consistent. We use time out and recently started withdrawing privledges from my eldest like losing his mobigo or TV time etc. It proves effective, he may not like it and have a big huff about it but he soon realises that by being good he gets much more positive attention and fun than when he is bad.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a very well written piece. We do not smack, or have ever felt the need to smack but have relatives that say "you wait , you will"! We use the naughty cushion and have taken toys or TV away. It works!! A very hard situation you are in and I hope it doesn't ruin your friendship xx
ReplyDeleteThank you I'm sure it won't we accept we have differing views. It's really tough though, as a parent I always seem to be asking myself if I have it right x
ReplyDeleteHello there I'm totally against smacking as I believe it harms the well being of the child. I came across some research which backs this.
ReplyDeleteA study on spanking was even featured on CNN’s website uncovered that spanking can lead to long – term bad behaviour and anti – social behaviour. The study interviewed the mothers of 3000 children http://edition.cnn.com/HEALTH/9708/14/nfm.spanking/ to compile this study.They also found out that Corporal Punishment is ineffective and was responsible for more anti – social behaviour, which would be evident in later years.
Another study conducted by Will Meek PHD also argued that spanking children had negative effects on their well being http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2007/02/24/negative-consequences-of-spanking/ .He found out spanking was no more effective than any other disciplinary measures which didn’t use physical force. Overall, he observed that spanking could cause emotional and behavioural problems and even increased aggression in children who would use violence to solve their problems.
There was even more disturbing evidence to suggest that spanking could even lower a child’s IQ in a study conducted by Professor Murray Straus http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/lifestyle/spanking-long-used-by-parents-to-discipline-naughty-children-can/story-e6frf00i-1225779278575.